I bet you’re wondering what the h3ll that title is? Or why is there such a huge gap between this and my last post (somewhere around 4 weeks ago). In essence, I fell off…from everywhere, even from Facebook (note: I use it sporatically or when I’m in a good mood). I made some crushing discoveries and have been trying to nurse my ego back to form. To fully comprehend this, I’m going to spin a little tale based on a true story (the best kind:).
Back in December 2011, a young female matriculated from her alma mater full of pride and hope for the future she
was fucking stupid looked forward to 2012 as year of change for her. She spent the first two quarters rosey-eyed and sure that she would eventually enter the job market and lose all the weight she intended. She was so inspired in fact, that she decided to fill the no-end-in-sight time developing her other interests. She began a comic book, outlined a novel, began designing a website, joined an International Exchange site and began rigorous workout routine. She was foolishy filled confidence.
But the closing of the second quarter held horrifying truths to be revealed. She discovered that Web Design techniques and standards had moved forward into a coding language she couldn’t make heads or tails of. When she showed kids her comic she learned that kids hate to read. Everyone in the International Exchange were only trying to better their English not exchange, novels were on average about 40,000+ words and worst of all…..she had only lost 15lbs! She had not heard from a single job she applied for, she was broke, in debt, no prospects, unable to move foward, getting older by the day, living with her mother and only 15lbs lighter. AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
She fell into deep black pit of disappointment and depression#truestory.
But then I heard a line in a song of my favorite artist:
Whatcha gonna do with your education when reality collides with your dreams and passion?–Shing02
It was one of those moments, for any music lover, when an artist captures the heart of your situation so utterly and completely that you love them unconditionally. I knew what Shing02 was saying, not just informational knowing, knowing the way you know from experience kind of knowing. I wasn’t there when Shing02 was going through his “Destruction”(check it out in VIDEOS) but God knows I’m glad he’s here for mine #heartofafan.
So, I had some majorly crushing blows to my ego. Here I was, a 3.26 trilingual graduate whom everyone universally liked and agreed that I was talented and destined to succeed, going on about 5 months without a job. Not even a call back, just a inbox full of “regrets and well wishes.” I had my artsy talents to distract me from my unemployment woes but even those were put in the grinder. I slowly became a hermit, tired of trying to explain why I haven’t found a job yet. It seemed so ridiculous to everyone. No way I, Uit, didn’t have a job. Their tones seemed to imply I just wasn’t trying hard enough. And I began to believe that, so I created a profile with just about every 3rd party, private employment/talent search board in existence. Followed some friendly advice and began to apply for jobs across the country.
I don’t even hear crickets, dude #hardouthereforapimp#coldworld#welcometothejungle.
And, yeah, the weight-loss thing was the final straw that sent me spiraling down#iwanttobealone.
So I have been spending the past four weeks a lot less productive than the first quarter and a lot less hopeful. Even this blog was a disappointment once I realized that the majority of my comments were fake#laughtokeepfromcrying. Ugh, so depressing. If it wasn’t for the people that truly cared, you know the ones that bother to call and text you even though you don’t respond, I wouldn’t be back at this. Which brings us full circle to the topic title.
<7M(wo/j)=EoM means little under 7 months without a job yields and epiphany of me.
Something a close friend of mine said over the phone, coaching me through a negative attack on my life, was that maybe I had all this time for a reason: to learn something. When she said that, something clicked and I immediately set about learning what it was supposed to be. I don’t think I’ve found the answer since I’m still unemployed but I have discovered the following about myself#journeybegins:
1.At first I was thinking that maybe I wasn’t as talented as I and everyone else thought I was. Maybe I was just a really good student. While that is true and, I realized, not a bad thing, I also realized that the untalented part was untrue. In retrospect, I see just how talented and capable I am. So why am I unemployed? I must lack something.
2.I found what I was lacking. Initiative. I realized that throughout my stellar and activity-filled academic life, I never stepped up to the plate. Never took the step that someone was supposed to take. I never took on leadership despite being offered to do so many times. That’s when I realized another trait about me.
3.I procrastinate (delaying initiative until critical mass) because
4. I’m an idea person and so fumble with the execution, because
4. I place a unhealthy premium on perfection (even physically) BECAUSE (getting deeper)
5. I am afraid of making mistakes BECAUSE (biggest one!)
6. I am afraid of being ridiculed.
*Whips sweat from brow*#selfdiscovery. Then I thought, well, of course as a follower I would look great. Lots to offer but only a secretary? Really good musician, not section leader? Quick learner, not president? Drum Major? Committee Head? Nope. I never put any of my talents to the test, on the forefront and been responsible for their result. I only take initiative at critical mass (hence procrastination). All this in turn made me again question whether I was as talented as I thought I was since I’ve never taken the test since I’m too afraid of anyone, but me, seeing the results. Don’t I have an issue with failing, I just don’t want it to be public news.
And everyday I’m getting more ambitious not less (I realized one day I wanted to build my own forest so I’d have somewhere beautiful to walk and watch the moon#WTF#dreams), making anxious and uncertain, I feel waaaay behind in life….at 23. I realized with these growing ambitions that I can’t procrastinate until I’m 4o years old to go on 10 year crusade to fulfill all my dreams before I’m fifty (that’s the kind thing I could let happen). I could do that, my best work has always been under pressure, but do I really want to wait until 40 to live?#questions. I’m lost in short. And unfortunately the clock is against me.
Not that I have been procrastinating about getting a job that’s for sure. In all these discoveries I also discovered this: I’m in a very bad job market: S/O to the economy and where I live. I don’t what to do but to keep applying for jobs. Maybe I should actually write something on LinkIn to get attention. Idk.
I initiated (yay) this journey in the hopes that my discoveries or answer would result in me landing a job to begin my life plan. But I’m realizing that maybe I should abandon that premise. Or maybe I need to keep digging. Or maybe put myself out there as the best d8med employee anyone can hire and stop hoping someone will recognize it. Or pursue a different avenue toward my goals. Or maybe consider that my answer maybe more profound than landing a job.
Whatever it is I am supposed to learn, discover, find it doesn’t matter#itsthejourneynotthedestination.
The point is……..I’m back